Doubts and Obstacles

Hello Jordan,

Let me just start out by saying thank you for your generosity. I’ll try to make this as simple as I can. For as long as I could remember, I have always felt guided into nightmares, and then survival. I’ve survived sexual abuse (multiple times/abusers) verbal abuse, neglect, and bullying (among other battles). I battle with complex PTSD, which basically means I have more than one source to relive. I am doing what I can to keep my soul from leaving. Being disattached from my body had been my normal state for a very long time. My therapist calls it “disassociation”. Right now, I’m trying really hard to hold on to it, but everything (my brain, my body, I think possibly my soul itself) wants my soul to retreat again. It doesn’t help that it truly seems like the harder I fight, the worse things become for me. 

Over the past 6 months, I have endured marks (especially scary to me are burns) on my body that disappeared within a half an hour at most. That began shortly after my soul “came back”. I’ve always seen and felt things most people would call hallucinations, but I know that they aren’t. This includes shadowmen, faces, and terrifying emotions. I feel insane writing this. Anyway, my rationale, honestly, scares me because it makes sense, most of the time. It says that the evidence is too strong to ignore: that all the odds are against me. It is completely reasonable to think there’s no hope. I try to convince myself to leave my logic behind, but that’s the only thing I had to rely on for the past.. say 6 years. 

I have found a path that I was told I’d burn in hell for. But, it is me.. all of it. I feel connected to a higher source, and I am reading on different things like manifestation, and different aspects of spirituality and even paganism. I don’t talk to my mom because of our differences. Well, mainly, I couldn’t take being ignored by her anymore. 

I am open to feeling the pain. I feel that’s what I need to do. But, I can’t convince myself that I’ll survive, well that my sanity will survive. My life is about facing my fears, but that doesn’t mean I have the strength to face all of them alone and at once. I feel trapped, like to fully survive with my essence intact, I need to face my demons. But, to survive physically (for my sisters) I must detach. Doing both isn’t possible. 

My current situation is rather bleak. I have no job. I tried working at Taco Bell, but the pressure (of everything) proved too much, and I had a nervous breakdown. To give you an idea as to my mindset on the day I got fired, I’ll tell you that I went to my friend’s grave (he died in March) and felt nothing. Nothing at all. Anyway, I live in a crowded trailer with my grandparents. I have absolutely no privacy. I can’t hang things up or do much that requires space or many objects. I try to write and meditate, but you can imagine the countless distractions I can’t avoid. I have no car, no cell phone. Basically, all I have is 2 suitcases of clothes, some shampoo and conditioner, and my laptop, and my sisters. 

I’m not exactly sure what I’m asking for.. possibly direction, or support, validation, or maybe some strange form of protection.... I don’t think I can hold on much longer. And I refuse to slip back to nothingness; I can’t let my soul detach again, no matter how dangerous it is for her to stay. I’m just hoping that you can help in any way. I just need a little more help. 

Thanks once again.

Heidilynn
Pennsylvania
Pisces 

Hello Heidilynn,

Thank you for writing in and sharing openly with me how you feel about your situation. There is no doubt you've experienced many challenges that many people don't face in a lifetime, but that doesn't mean you cannot overcome your challenges and completely change your future path. Of course, with all the obstacles you've faced, it will no doubt take substantial work and effort on your part to overcome where your soul has found itself. You mention a therapist in your message and it is wonderful that you're wise enough to seek professional help during your struggles.  Do you find therapy to help?  

Is there anywhere close to your home that you can walk from your home; perhaps a library or coffee shop that you can bring your laptop to and find a little peace and quiet to focus on what it is you want to focus on. I suggest to other people who write in about troubled home environments that if your home is not a place of peace and comfort, consider going and finding a place that can be your "go to" place. A place that you can escape to, even if for a few hours, to find a little peace.

Your soul is the beacon of the light that you possess that will ultimately help set you free from all the negativity you feel inside.  You may wonder how you find the light in your soul and that is a very good question. Finding the light doesn't happen overnight, but it exists - even in the darkest of situations. Have you read the website pages? There is a ton of information on the website and all of it has been written to help people learn about spirituality and the powerful energy of the light. Spirituality is about your inner self - the inner self that you describe as detaching so you can escape the negativity that surrounds you. Do you want to free your soul and heal yourself in order to be free from all the pain you carry? Perhaps you may want to start by checking out the pages I mention below.  

Perhaps you may want to start with this page:  

http://www.free-spiritual-guidance.com/Impossible-Situations.html

Some other suggestions:
How to evolve your soul
Understanding the energy of free will 

Remember that the power to overcome and be free exists within you, even if the darkness is overshadowing your soul's light.  IT is still there and it is stronger than you think.  

Love and Light,

Jordan Canon

Spiritual Advisor

Free-Spiritual-Guidance.com